


Aku Cinta Kamu

by Bluebird2479



Series: In Perpetuum et Unum Diem - fem malec au [7]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angry Magnus Bane, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asmodeus Being an Asshole (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Crying Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, F/F, Female Alec Lightwood, Female Magnus Bane, Girls Kissing, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jem Cartairs mentioned, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Post-Episode: s03e20 City of Glass, Protective Jace Wayland, Soft Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Talk about the future, Training Scene, fem Malec, girls love girls, jace is worried about Alex, megara will make it better, non explicit self harm, otp sparring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27065530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebird2479/pseuds/Bluebird2479
Summary: This breakdown was long overdue, honestlyOr, Megara and Alex have a long talk about all the unresolved issues from season 3b.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: In Perpetuum et Unum Diem - fem malec au [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805611
Kudos: 24





	Aku Cinta Kamu

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't read the books - in city of heavenly fire, Jace heals Brother Zachariah accidentally by burning him with heavenly fire, bringing back Jem instead. Lets assume Izzy did the same in this universe.
> 
> Also, the wedding doesn't happen immediately so they actually plan it. Why? because i said so.
> 
> Disclaimer :- I don't own Shadowhunters....duh

  
The past few days had been busy with wedding planning and Megara barely had time to talk to Alex about anything that wasn't shadowhunter- downworld alliances, Clave meetings or guest lists and clothes for the wedding.   
Not that Alex was complaining, she couldn't remember the last time she was this excited about something and nothing could tamper her good mood. 

Except, Megara noticed Alex had been rather quiet that day. She was cheerful in the morning as she cooked breakfast and started randomly dancing with Megara in the living room, but when Megara reached the institute an hour after Alex left, she found her fiancee scowling and snapping at anyone that bothered her. 

She asked of course, but Alex simply shook her head and smiled at her, assuring her that everything was fine. Though it did little to assure her, she decided not to push knowing Alex would come to her when she was ready. 

Regardless, Megara tried to figure out the problem herself. After saving her from Edom and Jonathan's subsequent defeat, things had gone quiet fast. 

Since Idris was forever indebted to a Downworlder for saving them from doom, the Clave agreed to renegotiate terms of the accords. Alex herself was working directly with Jia Penhallow to create a joint council for the governance of the shadow realm while Megara had become the unofficial spokesperson for the Downworld.

Despite their hectic schedules, the two woman were grateful to be together and safe with their families. Izzy recovered from the heavenly fire and was moving forward in her relationship with Simon. Jace and Clary's bad luck had finally run out and they were happy together. Luke was adjusting to being a shadowhunter again but his secret relationship with Maryse was not going to be a secret any longer if the two of them didn't stop acting like lovesick teenagers. Megara thought they were rather adorable together. Maia was slowly rebuilding her pack and would surely make a formidable alpha and Raphael....Megara couldn't remember if she ever saw her boy look that peaceful. She was extremely grateful that Raphael finally found happiness as a mundane at the seminary.

All in all, the world was not on the brink of destruction and their families were safe and better yet; happy. 

So Megara couldn't think of a single reason why Alex would be so subdued. It wasn't to say that all their problems had magically vanished, of course. People still spoke about Alex and Megara behind their backs, still undermined Alex's authority. Jace and Clary woke up from terrible nightmares and Izzy was sometimes hit with a bout of withdrawal so strong she had to lock herself in her room to prevent herself from doing something she would regret. Occasionally Maryse would stare wistfully at the mirror showing her unmarked skin and Alex felt helpless on these days, not knowing how best to help her family. 

But despite the bad days, Alex always soldiered on. She stood strong when her family couldn't and even in the face of the impossible, her resolve never faltered. So it had to be something big on her mind for her to be so withdrawn. 

Megara was beginning to worry. It was like the earlier days, when Alex was still in the closet. Broody and irritable and so, so alone.

Alex's bad mood continued and she was slowly pulling away from the people that loved her....from Megara.

Even her siblings noticed the change in her and Izzy had to force Alex to stop exhausting herself in her office so she could eat and rest. And yet, she didn't tell anyone what was bothering her.

Megara decided it had gotten too far when a worried Jace called her three days later, asking her to pick Alex up from the institute.   
Megara portaled into the training room to find it empty except for Jace and Alex, the latter who was pummeling a punching bag

"Its bad Megara. She's been like this all day, she's hurting herself." Jace told her, looking tired and just about ready to cry as he looked at his parabatai, unaware how to help her. 

"Its not your fault Jace." Megara said with a hand on Jace's shoulder, although her eyes never left Alex  
"Whenever one of us needed her, she was always strong for us. I don't- by the angel Megara I would kill anything and anyone for her, I would die a hundred times over for her to live another day. But this? I don't know how to help her when she's like this. Please do something. I just want her to be okay." Jace begged 

Megara looked at Jace, concerned. It was unlike him to act like this. That's when she realized that whatever Alex was feeling was affecting Jace's mood too. 

"Can you tell what she's feeling right now?" She asked  
"Guilt,...anger. Fear, lots of it. Mostly she feels....numb." Jace took a shuddering breath "Megara, the last time I felt something like this from her she was standing on a ledge."   
Megara sucked in a breath, resisting the urge to scream. The night of Max's rune ceremony would haunt the dreams of so many people for the rest of their lives. 

"I'll talk to her."   
"Izzy locked off the training room so no one else would know whats happening here. She and I can take care of the institute for the day, maybe you should take her home." Jace said   
"I'll call you later, okay? She'll be alright, I promise."   
Jace nodded and with a last look at his parabatai, he walked out of the room. 

Alex didn't once stop punching the bag. She obviously knew they were in the room, probably even heard them talking about her, but she didn't stop.  
From afar, no one could tell anything was wrong with her. Alex's expression was calm and focused and her movements were sharp and precise. She looked like any other shadowhunter training.  
On a closer look, however, one would notice the blood on the punching bag from her unwrapped hands and the glazed look in her eyes. 

Megara walked up to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Alex shrugged her off and continued punching. With a sigh, Megara snapped her fingers and with Alex's next punch, the bag erupted in a cloud of smoke

"What the hell was that for?" Alex snarled, showing emotion for the first time since Megara arrived  
"I think you've tortured the poor bag enough darling." With another snap, Megara was dressed in her training clothes with two wooden staffs in her hands.   
She tossed one of the staffs to Alex who caught it on instict, raising an eyebrow at her  
"Ready?" Megara asked, taking a defensive stance  
"Jace put you up to this? I'm fine- _argh_!" Alex was lying on her butt with Megara's staff pointing at her chest  
"Pay attention Alexandra."   
Alex shot her an icy glare and picked up her staff from where it had fallen.

This training session was different from the last time they sparred. Alex wasn't holding back, she struck with all her pent up anger and frustration and Megara mostly tried to dodge her moves, not wanting to hurt her. That only seemed to infuriate Alex even more, however, as she wanted it to hurt. Needed it, in fact. 

"Ready to talk?" Megara asked after knocking Alex's staff out of her hands for the third time  
Alex didn't answer. Instead she kicked Megara's feet from under her and pinned her to the ground  
"Pay attention Megara." She said, parroting her words from earlier with a rather nasty sneer. Megara tried not to feel hurt or annoyed by this attitude 

"Everyone's worried about you darling." Megara said with a grunt as she flipped them over, pinning Alex's hands on either side of her face  
"Why? There's nothing to worry about. Everything is _swell_ right?" Alex snapped  
"I would've agreed if it weren't for your bloody knuckles." Megara said, gently running her fingers over the bruises on Alex's hands  
Alex struggled under her hold, trying to buck her off. Megara responded by holding on tighter and forcing her to look her in the eye

"Are you done?" She asked calmly  
Alex glared but stopped struggling  
"We're gonna go home now and maybe you can tell me what's on your mind."  
The fight had finally left Alex and her anger was replaced with exhaustion. She simply nodded and let Megara pull her up and walked through the portal with her. 

Once inside the loft, Megara sat on the couch and gently pulled Alex down next to her. 

"I know...." Megara took a deep breath and tried to compose her thoughts "I know that things have been moving too fast, and we haven't had a chance to talk. Perhaps I just assumed everything will sort itself out but clearly there are things we need to talk about." 

Alex said nothing, but she moved slightly closer. Megara understood the gesture for what it was and turned to wrap her arms tightly around Alex.

"We all have different ways of dealing with pain and grief, and I'm no stranger to self destruction myself," Megara grimaced as the she remembered the memory wiping stunt she tried to do, not that she'll ever tell Alex "But my love, I have long since realized that I no longer have to deal with my pain alone. You taught me that sweetheart. I let you in, will you please let me in now?" 

At some point, Megara fully shifted them both so Alex was practically on top of her, straddling her lap. Alex's face was tucked into Megara's neck and she was beginning to tremble with barely restrained sobs.

"I'm here Alexandra, and we're together. No matter what, this will never change. I promise." 

Her words seemed to crack the final threads of her resolve as Alex started crying loudly against her.

"How can you promise that?" She asked between sobs "Since the day we met something _always_ comes between us, always tries to drive us apart."   
"And we always find our way back, you said that yourself."   
"Yes but for how long? Meg I can't go through that again. I- I- I just c-can't."   
"What brought this on Alex? Did someone say something?" 

Alex stiffened against her, going silent for a moment before answering   
"Brother Zach- I mean Jem, visited the institute. I think he wanted to thank Izzy for healing him, I don't know. We started talking and he let slip about what you asked him to do....with your memories." Alex said tentatively   
Ah!...So much for never telling Alex. Megara swore under her breathe, feeling irritated with Jem.  
Alex pulled back to look at her face   
"Don't be mad at him, he was just looking out for you. Besides it was an accident."   
"It was not his place to say anything." Even as she said that, Megara knew she wasn't actually angry at Jem. It was hard to stay mad at that man for any amount of time. 

"So you admit it." Alex asked in a small voice   
Megara cupped her face and held her gaze   
"I was in a bad place at that time but I swear Alexandra, I know I couldn't have gone through with it. My memories of you are more precious than anything, you are more precious than anything." 

Megara panicked a little when her words only caused Alex to burst into a fresh set of tears. In all the time that they knew each other, she only ever saw Alex shed a few silent tears that she almost immediately tried to hide. This breakdown, while probably long overdue, was still alarming. 

"I didn't think it would hurt you that much. You moved on from past loves before, I thought you'd move on from me as well. I never thought I could hurt you that much and I-" her words got stuck in her throat  
Megara couldn't help the flash of anger that passed through her  
"Move on?" She asked in a stiff tone  
Alex flinched at her voice and looked away. Megara hooked a finger under her chin and forced her to look at her   
"Alexandra, did you underestimate my love for you so much? Do you really not know how much you mean to me?" Megara asked incredulously 

"I know. I also know that your love for me caused you more pain than I can imagine. And when I- when I went to Asmodeus behind your back, I hoped to lessen that burden, not add to it. And I never got to explain, I never apologized for going to him at all, especially after you trusted me with your experience with that man. I still let him tear us apart, I knowingly hurt you and you know what? If it meant protecting you I'd do it all again. But-" she broke off, taking a shuddering breath "My intentions don't make it okay. I lied to you, hurt you in the worst way possible and I'm so, so sorry." 

Megara felt her anger dissipate. Instead she hugged Alex again, holding her tightly against her as though afraid she'd disappear.   
"I once told you that you would blow up the very ground you stood on to make something right. If I had stopped to think for a moment I would've realized what was really happening myself. Although probably not in time, so on a totally unrelated note, I owe Maryse an expensive present." Alex snorted at that and Megara felt her relaxing slightly in her arms   
"The point is Alexandra, I know that it is in your nature to do everything you can to keep those you love happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. And as exasperating as I find that habit at times, I can't blame you for it. Please forgive yourself for I have done so a long time ago." 

"I'm scared."   
"Why? Asmodeus is gone. And while I can't promise that the future will always be easy, I have faith in us. There will never be a threat too large for us, as long as we face it together."   
"What about Time? How will we defeat time Meg."   
"What- what do you mean?"   
Alex shifted so she was siting next to Megara instead of on top of her, yet close enough that their legs touched 

"When I found that box, it made me insecure. It killed me that one day I would die and you might love another the way you did me. After Asmodeus, I took comfort in that fact. It gave me hope, knowing you'd be okay when I'm gone. But now? Now I'm terrified of the future. I'm terrified of one day leaving you behind, alone."   
"Oh Alexandra..."  
"Promise me Meg, promise me you'll live. If something happens to me, or when I inevitably leave you behind, promise me you won't forget to love." Alexandra asked with imploring eyes  
Megara cupped Alex's cheek and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead   
"I can't." She breathed against her hair   
"You have to." 

"When I finally understood my father's deception, I immediately sent him away. While I did that, I wasn't sure if my magic would stay with me, if betraying Asmodeus would break your deal with him. In that moment, I realized I couldn't care less. I honestly thought nothing could compare to the grief of losing my magic. But then I lost you, and I realized what pain truly is. I belong to you- mind, body and soul. There is nothing for me without you my love." 

"That didn't reassure me."  
"I am 800 years old Alexandra. I have seen and done many things, loved many people and experienced more than most immortals. And yet, I'm selfish enough to say I'm not ready to die yet. I want to live and a big part of that is for you. Before you, I closed myself off from feelings for a very, very long time. After you, I don't know how long I will live, but I know I can never love another the way I love you. But know this, your love will be enough for me for however much there is left of my lengthy life. As long as I carry your memories, I will never truly be alone. I will never not love you."

"Even when I'm old and wrinkly?" Alec asked with a frown  
"Even then. When all your hair turns white and your back is bent from all the burdens you carry, I'll still find you just a beautiful and fascinating." 

While Megara knew all their problems won't magically vanish, she could feel Alex relaxing. All the grief and anger she had been holding inside her for who knows how long left her body and as a peace settled around her.

"I love you Alexandra." Megara pressed her forehead against Alex's   
"Aku cinta kamu." Alex whispered 

  
_Before you came, things were as they should be:_   
_the sky was the dead-end of sight,_   
_the road was just a road, wine merely wine._   
_Now everything is like my heart, a color at the edge of blood:_   
_the grey of your absence, the color of poison,_   
_of thorns, the gold when we meet,_   
_the season ablaze, the yellow of autumn, the red of flowers, of flames,_   
_and the black when you cover the earth with the coal of dead fires._   
_And the sky, the road, the glass of wine?_ _The sky is a shirt wet with tears,_   
_the road a vein about to break,_   
_and the glass of wine a mirror in which the sky, the road, the world keep changing._   
_Don't leave now that you're here—_   
_Stay. So the world may become like itself again:_   
_so the sky may be the sky, the road a road,_   
_and the glass of wine not a mirror, just a glass of wine. *_

\-----

**Author's Note:**

> * poem by Faiz Ahmed Faiz


End file.
